Lament

"This is not going to be easy."  That is the thought that seems to crop into my mind as I start my days.  Even the normal things of life seem just a little bit harder, a little more emotional, . . . . a lot less satisfying.  

"This isn't the life  wanted. . . . this is not how I pictured my future."  It feels like these are whispers that are replayed in my head, looped like a bad Michael Bolton CD playing over and over.  

"I don't want to die alone." The fear crops up in me like I am standing in front of a den of lions with no escape and I am clothed in only bacon flavored underwear.  

And still within all of this I feel this great amount of guilt.  It sits on my shoulders, my heart, and my soul.   I believe in a good and loving GOD  . . . . at least I thought I did.  All this pain that literally no man should have to shoulder was dumped in my lap . . . it is like being thrown off a ship into the icy waters of ocean without a life preserver.  The moment you hit the water it steals the breath right out of you and you fight with everything in your self to swim for the surface. . . . to try to breathe the air again.  And when you reach the surface you see that you are alone and cold and with so little hope . . . in that moment the thought creeps in . . . . maybe I should have never come up for air at all.  All that is left is to scream out. All the heartbreak, all the fear, and all the anger and loss.  

But I always believed a good christian does not scream out in pain, instead they are to pray in hope.  "Don't be angry with God.  Don't tell Him how mad you are at Him.  And don't you ever dare question what God is doing."  I never heard a pastor say that but it is definately implied. People with strong faith would never doubt His goodness, never unload the real pain within us to the cross. . . . . just grin and bare it and pray.  

So today I sit here to write this one truth I know. . . that is BULLSHIT!!  Faith is not looking at the obvious broad strokes of life and praying hopefully that is what a person needs or wants.  It is not taking all that the world can hit you with and say "See I can take it . . . now I am worthy of heaven."   Perhaps it is ok to want a real relationship with Christ that allows me to say whatever it is that stirs my heart and not feel guilt about it.  Not to always be saintly and ask to be content in what is breaking me or at peace about what steal my heart away from me.   Does a man that is thirsty ask someone to help him be content in his need . . . no, he asks for water. Or should a dying man ask for peace in his demise . . . . no, he should ask for life (whether temporally or eternal).  I am frustrated to death with the obvious christian approach to our needs, our hearts, our lives.  

I want to pray that I am so angry to be in such depravity.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I hate that He is letting go through all this at once.  I want to ask the Lord to heal me but not to necessary take away the cancer.  My heart needs him far worse than my body.  I want to not be alone. . . not to be content in my lack of love in my life.  I want to have hope in future that seem non existent and lost in all this.  I desire to be completed in the tangible as well as the spiritual . . . . and for a long time the tangible incompleteness has been breaking me down.  I refuse to feel guilty in that.  Because in the end I need a relationship with Jesus like that, not shallow and blind faith.  I need to be able to scream at Him because He is the only one that gets it . . . that will take . . . . that won't leave me if I do.  

I lament because I love Him and want him to do . . . anything.  

So pray for me. . . with me . . . in place of me.  But pray for the things you think I need.  Cancer is not be what defines my life in this period of time . . . but rather this is a time to be real with a savior and see how HE WILL save.  And in this case how He saves me . . . . even if I lose this battle with life and death.