Sitting by a tree

Some days the pains seems more than I can bare and the air is too heavy to breathe.  When I began this battle again I thought it would be a swift and easy fight, mostly because the doctors said all the radiation was "preventative" measures.  But the reality has sunk in that there is really nothing preventative about. Instead it is an active war of attrition that is fighting a very real foe that is not going to go without one last stand.   The cancer has not spread but it has gone away either. It is like the moment the world stands still.   But what is crushing me the most is it feels like it is stealing everything away from me, slowly.   Abilities, dreams, joy, and relationships all feel like they are slipping away because I am shell of my former self.  I feel isolated and alone, locked in battle that no one viably wants to witness.  

Truly who would wants to watch a man fight for his life and soul.  We want to see the victory parade, not the war.  Man would rather wait and see the outcome and not partake in the efforts. How many of us want conflict more than we want peace?  Or fight for someone that will give us little reward even if there is victory?   IF we are to fight along the side of someone we want to be  celebrated in the victory parade too, not to be just one that holds another up in a moment of true triumph.  This desire in humankind only happens because they refuse to see the battlefield and focus on the celebratory march.  We want to all be a part of something so audacious and gratifying to our hearts, never realizing that the victor's courage and bravery are found only in hope, belief, and prayers of the one's fighting with him to surmount the enemy.  No matter how great of a warrior a person is, a man that fights alone against great odds will almost never win. We need our allies, our hope, our bravery. Only once in history has man ever defeat such odds and even He could not escape the price of death.  

I am hurt and disappointed in the fact I have very few allies in my war. When I first revealed I had cancer I was bless by very kind responses and that gave incredible amounts of strength and courage but since then I have battled alone, except for one or two allies ( The 121 represents).  I go to church and watch people pray up worship teams and speakers; hear calls to devote a period of our lives to come together in prayer; and observe so many people "serving the church", yet here I lay.  I have friends that are super stud christians, youth pastors, worship leaders and pastors and how many of those have offered to pray for me while I am weaken on this battlefield I find myself on . . . none.  And easily I will admit I have not pleaded for any either.  I just go forward and pretend to be brave, as the world around me falls to pieces and fades to black, so everyone can continue on with their lives because I refuse to be a cause or hinderance.  But I am hurting and trying to make sense of it all . . .  am  I not worthy of an affinity, to be cared for.  Am I so broken and messed up that no one really cares?  Am I just not good enough to have anyone care to rally for me in my time of need?  

So last night I went to prayer at the church because I hoped maybe anything might happen.  I sat in a room of 15 men and sat there until I realized I had nothing left.  No words to pray, no thoughts, no idea what I wanted.   But there on the stage was a big cross and I felt like it was only place for me to go because the One who died on it was the only person to go to war alone and claim victory.  As the room was filled with music for worship and prayer I found my sitting on the floor next to the cross with my forehead leaning against.  The wood felt warm and alive as I rested against it.  It was in that moment, as a dozen men literally yelled out prayers, that I began to whisper to the cross.  My tears now stain it's wood and my breath and prayer are ingrained in it.  And all I could tell my savior is that I have nothing left. That I feel lost in the darkness.  All I could ask was where is He now?   I was merely sitting by a tree and losing myself.  I was sitting by a tree and begging for an ally, a friend,  a hope.     

I know that Jesus is in the darkness, battling my enemies and fighting to get to me.  He is my warrior savior . . . . so why isn't anyone I know a warrior follower?  I am hurt and frustrated, angry and tired.  But the truth is  . . .  where is the church? Why am I battling alone?  You can have your organization "the church", I don't want it anymore.  I just want allies who will fight along side Jesus for me.  And I promise you this one thing, I will be your ally in any battle of your lives.  But I am going to leave the organization of "the church" out of it.  I just want to fight for you because that is what Jesus is doing too.