Capacity for more

"Let me not be blind with privilege

Give me eyes to seek the pain

Let the blessing You've poured out on me

Not be spent on me in vain

Let this life be used for change."    I Will Go by Starfield 

Last Tuesday I sat in the John Stoddard Center and watched people come in out.  One thing people might not realize about me is that I am a anthropologist at heart, which is fancy way to say I enjoy people watching.  After about twenty minutes of sitting there I saw the elevator doors open and one my favorite new people was being wheeled toward the radiology dept.   Her face was beautiful despite it showed signs of fatigue and wear.  The purple and pink bandana was loosely tied atop her head in order to hide the evidence that her brown hair was no longer there.  Dressed in her Disney princess pajamas she looked just like any other 9 year old girl except for the fact that she had cancer in her brain.  

Madison has gone through two rounds of chemo and now was doing around of radiation.  As always her mother was right there with her.  I have yet to see or visit Madison without Beth being there.  

At age 29, Beth had taken a leave from her job to be with her only child as she had been in the hospital for a month.  Beth was quick to see me and leaned over to Madison's ear to whisper and point towards my direction.  As her little brown little eye connected with me, I gave her a wink.  

"Travis!! Are you here to get zapped too?  And guess what I get to go home soon!!!!  Maybe even for Christmas!!"  Her eyes grew larger and brighter with every sentence.  Inside I felt so excited for her and at the same time a bit of sadness.  

"I am so excited for you.  What are going to do when you go home?"

Madison smiled and just said one thing before going through the doors.  "I am probably not going to sick anymore and play a lot."  

After visiting with Madison and Beth a few time in the last few weeks (because usually our radiation treatments are schedule around the same time), I knew that her being in remission soon was not what was happening.   Instead she was having a break between treatments cycles and she would be home for two weeks after Thanksgiving.  Beth was trying to get their doctors to try to make it pass Christmas and we are all hoping that might happen still.   She has a long road still and my heart breaks for her.  

I am tired of standing on the side lines and watching things happen.  It is too much anymore. It is too much to be heartbroken for myself, too much to be sad about the things I have lost, too much to let myself let other's broken hearts not stir me.  I can't pretend that I don't have a great amount of frustration and pain but it is what I am not doing with all these feeling that is disturbing.   I am doing nothing . . . trying to survive is not enough.  

Like many people I often think that "giving" is contained in tithing to the church and giving my time in a ministry or something that I am interested in, like a political campaign.  I live in a beautiful, wealth community that does so little real charity work.  The type that actually feeds the poor or helps the sick.  The kind that reaches out to kids and families that could look at such compassion and it could be life changing.  

There is a capacity for more in me. . . . for more in the place.   

I am convicted by my apathy and the rut of life we can be in.  After some talks with a good friend we have decided that it is time to start doing something.  My hope is that many of you will partner up with us and even might volunteer to help this happen.  So what is it?  We are in the works of developing a fundraiser for either the Children's Cancer Foundation or Make a Wish Foundation.  Obviously more details will be coming  but my prayer is that this kind of charity work will impact our hearts and the their lives.