Angel's Songs

Often times I come to write about the philosophical ideas of life and how they apply to me and the things that I am going through.  It is easier to make a statement of philosophy that everyone can relate to rather than to be personal and relate a story that is personally about a moment or experience that no one can understand.  During thanksgiving I got a chance to really talk with my brother and he was hurt and frustrated by the fact that I am what he calls closed and I am just not talking about what is going on with me.  I feel like I have become very unapproachable and I am hard to read as genuine.  Many people have been asking me how I am doing and it is hard not to lie about it.  I feel like I owe it to people to make them feel like everything is going to be ok but honestly I don't know if it going to.  At times I think that if I say "Everything is going well" or" I feel pretty good," then I will believe it too and I trick myself into a sense of security.  The reality is life feels out of control.  

This has not been the best few weeks of my life.  The pain has increased a lot in the last two weeks.  I have a hard time sleeping at night without waking up in some sort of pain four or five times. I think it is actually bad enough that I am crying in my sleep.  I wake up and my eyes are watery, the skin is tight, and few times there have been tears running down my face.  I am not sure if it is because I am have dreams or if the pain is causing it.  The doctor has limited the amount of painkillers I can have and I might need back surgery after it is all said and done. I originally had two more weeks of radiation and would have been done by Christmas but I was told last week that I would have to do at least another month because the cancer is not shrinking or going away.   Obviously the pain was letting me know it was not getting better.   There is now talk of possible chemotherapy if this does not work.  I hate being sick.  It is such a lonely feeling.  No matter how many people try, it feels like they forget about you and you are again trying to make it through this alone.   For the first time in my life I feel like I need people . . . that I can't live as a one man show anymore.  I want the people I care about to be with me, but a life time of telling people I don't need them has caught up to me.  I need to change drastically and soon . . . I have lost far too much already in this life.  I want to change is better way to look at it.  

I am never sure what my destiny is suppose to be or how God decides what is going to happen to who, when, where , and why.  Or what is the right way to deal with things like disappointment or heartbreak or looking at our own morality.  But I do know one thing, there are things in this world that need not to be explained because they are just that unexplainable.  

There is this thing that has happened to me in the last few months  that I can't explain and it is always centered around singing.  A few months ago I was laying down and talking with someone late at night when we both heard a woman singing.  I went around the house and looked to see if a radio was on or if the next door neighbors had their stereos on high but found nothing.   I went back and we talked for bit longer and we heard it again.  I don't believe in ghosts (though I love to watch Ghosthunters) so I just shrugged in off. 

For the last two months I have found myself woken up often by the sounds of singing.  Most times it is when I have had a horrible day and feel like it is going to be hard to wake up the next morning and feel like fighting through another day.  At first I thought that it was like those times that you have a dream and you keep thinking you are dreaming after you wake up.  Or when you wake up with  a song in your head and you just keep singing along in your brain.  I would sit there and strain to listen.  There would be a sweet voice of a woman that carried over the air but never loud enough to make out the words.  I alway feel a little unnerved at first but then a feeling of warmth comes over me like I just drank some hot chocolate. I feel calm despite this unexplainable event. 

It didn't take long for me to realize that the songs I was hearing were not songs I knew at all and they always caused me to remember times and people I loved.  Like a musical reminder of why life is good.  It reminds me of getting sung to as a child.  It is always sweet and beautiful, wanting to bring me to better place and to be at peace.  

The other night I began to wonder if I was coming ever closer to the end.  The songs seem to be so mysterious and bring such a sense of home and love and peace.  It would not be surprise if that is the voices that usher me home at the end of my life.  I hope it will be the music to the story of my life as I get to watch it in heaven.  So I have called it the Angel's Songs because that is what I believe them to be.  Maybe it is the next door neighbor's radio but let me have my hope.