Everything Arbitrary

What would happen if we just stopped doing the things that hurt each other?  What if we actually did what we said?  What if everything wasn't so arbitrary?  This is the thought that rattles around in my head today.  

I was reading today and realized that it is lame to always blame the fact that we fall short on things like the church or technology, or we just sucks as people.   The reality of it all is that there is something I think that we all feel, that there is something incomplete about our view and philosophies of life.   For christians we are locked down in this idea that God is about church, obligation, and not screwing the pooch to badly so that we might make it into those pearl gates some day.  Despite the fact that the more we read our Bibles the more we should realize that heaven is not the end goal for us because it is only self preservation of another life.  But that is what we believe is the truth.  But how can we look past "Your Kingdom COME" ?  Bring heaven to earth . . .such a foreign concept that we choose to ignore it and pretend that it was accidentally written in there.  

Everyday I hear these words, "I am praying for you," "I will be praying for you," or "If there is anything I can do let me know."  Sorry if this offends you because you have said these things and possibly even meant them, but they are some of the most arbitrary statement that a person could say.  It is not logical or practical in any way.  Maybe it is because we have no way to know how it is to be present with someone or get into the mix without feeling caught in the drama.   So I guess we say what first pops into our little heads.  There is this need to do the right thing, to at least be some what active in pursue what is supposed to be right at least.  I mean who say no to the a person that says I will pray for you.  Why not just say I will send out happy thoughts or good karma for you. . . it is about the same.  Because for most of us it goes something more like out of sight, out of mind.   We have good intentions.  We want to do what we say we believe in but when we get home there are a hundred things to do, other people to occupy our thoughts and time.  Then about three days later we hear about, think about, see the person that we promised to pray for and we are hit with guilt.  Oops, I forgot to pray.  Or if we are lucky we go about two or three days before they slip our minds and from the "prayer list".  And in the end we look at it all, no matter which side of the fence you are on, and we feel incomplete. Something is not what it should be.  

There are a couple people I believe are truly know are loving me with prayer.  One is still my best friend, the only person I have ever really trusted, despite the fact we are distant and it is hard for them to be in this with me and the other because they love to pray more than anyone I know.  So for them it wasn't as arbitrary because their words and actions come together in an effort to bring a piece of heaven to my world.  I am not talking about the heaven where everything is perfect and painless.  Instead they are actively pursuing the idea of bring GOD closer to me because it is so hard for me to feel Him, see Him, even believe in Him.    God's full presence resides in Heaven and to bring Kingdom come for me would be people who stand in the gap, put themselves aside for mere moments and plead for a God to come nearer to one who is fallen.  

What would happen if we stopped, looked into the eyes of the fallen or the lost, and choose to stand in the gap with them.  The gap of their between them and God, the gap in their needs, the gap of their HEARTS.   I mean damn it people . . . . what if our lives and faith could feel like it is complete.   What if when we said all the "right things" that we would be passionate and obsessed to follow through because it bring a spirit of real life to not only them but us as well.

So this is what I will say to all this.  I am done saying, "I will pray for you".  Instead I am going to stop and know that God has power and love that is scary, almost an obsession, and choose to want to bring Him closer and stand in the gap with someone.  I am going to pray WITH people at John Stoddard when I am there. I am going to "embarrass" myself by praying publicly for people because they need it and they know they are not in it alone.  Or maybe make the time for people to be where they are and stop requiring people to be where I am in order to care for them.  Yes, it will be a little uncomfortable and I might not be a fan of everything but who am I to let religious pride be a reason to not care for some.   If you are not feeling convicted and are comfortable with that little feeling of incompleteness to your life and faith then this is just non-sense to you.  But start thinking about what saying when you say I will pray . . . you are telling someone you are going into God's presence for them. . . and if you take that lightly and think it is no big deal then . . . huh?  This isn't about being fake but instead about forgetting who God is and what we could have in our lives.  

 

Angel's Songs

Often times I come to write about the philosophical ideas of life and how they apply to me and the things that I am going through.  It is easier to make a statement of philosophy that everyone can relate to rather than to be personal and relate a story that is personally about a moment or experience that no one can understand.  During thanksgiving I got a chance to really talk with my brother and he was hurt and frustrated by the fact that I am what he calls closed and I am just not talking about what is going on with me.  I feel like I have become very unapproachable and I am hard to read as genuine.  Many people have been asking me how I am doing and it is hard not to lie about it.  I feel like I owe it to people to make them feel like everything is going to be ok but honestly I don't know if it going to.  At times I think that if I say "Everything is going well" or" I feel pretty good," then I will believe it too and I trick myself into a sense of security.  The reality is life feels out of control.  

This has not been the best few weeks of my life.  The pain has increased a lot in the last two weeks.  I have a hard time sleeping at night without waking up in some sort of pain four or five times. I think it is actually bad enough that I am crying in my sleep.  I wake up and my eyes are watery, the skin is tight, and few times there have been tears running down my face.  I am not sure if it is because I am have dreams or if the pain is causing it.  The doctor has limited the amount of painkillers I can have and I might need back surgery after it is all said and done. I originally had two more weeks of radiation and would have been done by Christmas but I was told last week that I would have to do at least another month because the cancer is not shrinking or going away.   Obviously the pain was letting me know it was not getting better.   There is now talk of possible chemotherapy if this does not work.  I hate being sick.  It is such a lonely feeling.  No matter how many people try, it feels like they forget about you and you are again trying to make it through this alone.   For the first time in my life I feel like I need people . . . that I can't live as a one man show anymore.  I want the people I care about to be with me, but a life time of telling people I don't need them has caught up to me.  I need to change drastically and soon . . . I have lost far too much already in this life.  I want to change is better way to look at it.  

I am never sure what my destiny is suppose to be or how God decides what is going to happen to who, when, where , and why.  Or what is the right way to deal with things like disappointment or heartbreak or looking at our own morality.  But I do know one thing, there are things in this world that need not to be explained because they are just that unexplainable.  

There is this thing that has happened to me in the last few months  that I can't explain and it is always centered around singing.  A few months ago I was laying down and talking with someone late at night when we both heard a woman singing.  I went around the house and looked to see if a radio was on or if the next door neighbors had their stereos on high but found nothing.   I went back and we talked for bit longer and we heard it again.  I don't believe in ghosts (though I love to watch Ghosthunters) so I just shrugged in off. 

For the last two months I have found myself woken up often by the sounds of singing.  Most times it is when I have had a horrible day and feel like it is going to be hard to wake up the next morning and feel like fighting through another day.  At first I thought that it was like those times that you have a dream and you keep thinking you are dreaming after you wake up.  Or when you wake up with  a song in your head and you just keep singing along in your brain.  I would sit there and strain to listen.  There would be a sweet voice of a woman that carried over the air but never loud enough to make out the words.  I alway feel a little unnerved at first but then a feeling of warmth comes over me like I just drank some hot chocolate. I feel calm despite this unexplainable event. 

It didn't take long for me to realize that the songs I was hearing were not songs I knew at all and they always caused me to remember times and people I loved.  Like a musical reminder of why life is good.  It reminds me of getting sung to as a child.  It is always sweet and beautiful, wanting to bring me to better place and to be at peace.  

The other night I began to wonder if I was coming ever closer to the end.  The songs seem to be so mysterious and bring such a sense of home and love and peace.  It would not be surprise if that is the voices that usher me home at the end of my life.  I hope it will be the music to the story of my life as I get to watch it in heaven.  So I have called it the Angel's Songs because that is what I believe them to be.  Maybe it is the next door neighbor's radio but let me have my hope.