Get Busy

Get busy living, or get busy dying - Shawshank Redemption

This week has allowed me to go back to a normal routine for the first time in over a month.  It seemed strange to get up every morning with the intentions of going to work and not having to worry much about how I felt.   The reason for this is because I didn't have to do radiation treatment due to my doctor wanting to evaluate how things are going so far and feeling a week off isn't going to kill.  (Good news, I didn't die this week)  The thing I didn't realize was how my body still is not back up to speed after a week.  By friday night I was exhausted and drained.  My head was completely clear and awake but my body refused to want to do much but sit and rest.  And with all this I have had time to think about all that is going on without having to focus on appointments, treatments, and physical being.

On Monday night I decided to watch Shawshank Redemption.  This is literally is my favorite movie ever.   It was during my first bout with "the cancer" that I watched this movie a lot, mostly because I think TNT was playing it like 3 or 4 time a weekend and I didn't have the energy to change the channel.  Well, it was that and I could watch that movie once a day and be fine with it.  (And if you have never seen this movie . . . WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. . . go rent it or something) 

Maybe it is because I feel like my life is some crazy drama movie or perhaps it is more so that I feel like I relate to the character of Andy Dufrense.  There is point in the movie that Andy seems completely lost and ready to possibly end his own life when he utters these words in desperation, "Get busy living, or get busy dying."  

For people that are health and things are going well . . . well, this probably does not strike a cord in you.  But for the desperate, such as myself, these words are like water.  

As I returned from radiation treatment yesterday this became very apparent.  It is easy to shut down and think that life will never be the same again.  And  with all honesty there is rarely a soul that will disagree.  Yet the beauty in the thought is that it is true, life will never be the same again.  It has the opportunity to be something better, something different, something I would have imagined.   Life doesn't change into something beautiful by shutting down.  It only happens when we get busy living.   

Life is never fair. . . we want it to be, but rarely will it.  So you have two choices get busy living, or get busy dying.  

Lament

"This is not going to be easy."  That is the thought that seems to crop into my mind as I start my days.  Even the normal things of life seem just a little bit harder, a little more emotional, . . . . a lot less satisfying.  

"This isn't the life  wanted. . . . this is not how I pictured my future."  It feels like these are whispers that are replayed in my head, looped like a bad Michael Bolton CD playing over and over.  

"I don't want to die alone." The fear crops up in me like I am standing in front of a den of lions with no escape and I am clothed in only bacon flavored underwear.  

And still within all of this I feel this great amount of guilt.  It sits on my shoulders, my heart, and my soul.   I believe in a good and loving GOD  . . . . at least I thought I did.  All this pain that literally no man should have to shoulder was dumped in my lap . . . it is like being thrown off a ship into the icy waters of ocean without a life preserver.  The moment you hit the water it steals the breath right out of you and you fight with everything in your self to swim for the surface. . . . to try to breathe the air again.  And when you reach the surface you see that you are alone and cold and with so little hope . . . in that moment the thought creeps in . . . . maybe I should have never come up for air at all.  All that is left is to scream out. All the heartbreak, all the fear, and all the anger and loss.  

But I always believed a good christian does not scream out in pain, instead they are to pray in hope.  "Don't be angry with God.  Don't tell Him how mad you are at Him.  And don't you ever dare question what God is doing."  I never heard a pastor say that but it is definately implied. People with strong faith would never doubt His goodness, never unload the real pain within us to the cross. . . . . just grin and bare it and pray.  

So today I sit here to write this one truth I know. . . that is BULLSHIT!!  Faith is not looking at the obvious broad strokes of life and praying hopefully that is what a person needs or wants.  It is not taking all that the world can hit you with and say "See I can take it . . . now I am worthy of heaven."   Perhaps it is ok to want a real relationship with Christ that allows me to say whatever it is that stirs my heart and not feel guilt about it.  Not to always be saintly and ask to be content in what is breaking me or at peace about what steal my heart away from me.   Does a man that is thirsty ask someone to help him be content in his need . . . no, he asks for water. Or should a dying man ask for peace in his demise . . . . no, he should ask for life (whether temporally or eternal).  I am frustrated to death with the obvious christian approach to our needs, our hearts, our lives.  

I want to pray that I am so angry to be in such depravity.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I hate that He is letting go through all this at once.  I want to ask the Lord to heal me but not to necessary take away the cancer.  My heart needs him far worse than my body.  I want to not be alone. . . not to be content in my lack of love in my life.  I want to have hope in future that seem non existent and lost in all this.  I desire to be completed in the tangible as well as the spiritual . . . . and for a long time the tangible incompleteness has been breaking me down.  I refuse to feel guilty in that.  Because in the end I need a relationship with Jesus like that, not shallow and blind faith.  I need to be able to scream at Him because He is the only one that gets it . . . that will take . . . . that won't leave me if I do.  

I lament because I love Him and want him to do . . . anything.  

So pray for me. . . with me . . . in place of me.  But pray for the things you think I need.  Cancer is not be what defines my life in this period of time . . . but rather this is a time to be real with a savior and see how HE WILL save.  And in this case how He saves me . . . . even if I lose this battle with life and death.

Laying on the Couch

It is hard to know the right way to handle anything in life let alone the difficult situations.  I find myself often trying to keep people updated on what is happening, where things are at and how I am so often that I am losing track of who knows what.  So I feel that communicating in mass is a one way of dealing with getting out the wealth of information that I have.   

So for many of you this is going to be the first time that you have read anything that I have written so I warn you now that I tend to be straight forward and often raw with the reality I am in.  So there will be times when you might read something and think to yourself, "Did he really say that?"  Don't be afraid . . . ok maybe a little afraid of what might come out of my fingers (this is typed and not spoken after all).   

These last few months have been maybe the hardest and most trying months of my life.  Now for some of you that know me that might be coming as a surprise because there have been some doozies when it has come to rough spots in my life.   Honestly there are times that it has become almost humorous in the way life has played out.   But in all honesty my hope, love, and faith in this world and life have been tested, stretched, and broken more so than I can recall.   In the last few months the brutal force of this painful world has crashed down on me.  There have even been night I hoped I would not awake ever again. 

In the last two months I have tried to deal with heartbreak, a diagnoses of fibromyalgia, and the final blow was the finding out that I had non hodgkins lymphoma (cancer) about a month ago.  Talk about your "What the hell is going on" kind of months.  It has felt like one thing kept happening after another.  

On october 7, 2008 I had a tumor removed from my lower back and was lucky enough that I was able to out patient surgery due to it's close location to the surface of my skin.  I was not attached to any organs and the cancer was encapsulated in the actual tumor.  In other words it had not spread to any other areas.  So I am blessed in the fact that it was contained.   I had about 4 stitched below my waist line and was sore for a few days but other than that it was not to bad.  Hey they gave me so sweet pain killers that rocked my face off.  

Today, was my first treatment of radiation.  So that completely sucks.  I went to the John Stoddard Center in Des Moines and was microwaved with some low grade radiation in my back.  It has completely worn me out.  I keep going from burning up to freezing and form crapped up to wanting to puke all over the place in about 10 second about twice a minute. Pretty much the crappiest feeling in the world.    I am still holding out in hope that somehow I am going to gain some type of super power from all this radiation.  Now I started out hoping to fly but now . . . . I am going for a little super strength and invincibility.   So if you could pray for that to happen I promise to come protect all that need my super powered help.  

But as for right now I am just laying on the couch and hoping that my heart will heal, my body will recover, and that this will all make me a better man than I was.  I am so thankful for the friends that have reconnected and I miss the ones who have not.  I love you all and want you all to know I am fighting.    Please Pray for me and come back here for updates.  I hope one day this is just a place to blog my thoughts and not my condition.  Peace.