The Wall

It stands nearly four stories high and the evidence of years of assault can be seen in the green tin. The facade has been assailed by "bombs" and "bullets" while the sounds of anger or passion flow through the air.  Yet after decades of attack this wall still stands.  To some it is the adversary and to other it is an inviting friend, still to everyone it is imposing and intimidating. And now to this day, a wall has become an identity or the defining part of a place that is so much more than this amazing bulwark. So now when people say Fenway Park the first thing that come to mind . .. . . the Green Monster.   

I am not one for finding the prototypical analogy, except for the times I turn around and run into it face first and get knock flat on the floor.  You see for me the wall is, well . . . . . .  "It's complicated".  It is in those words that my entire existence seems to have been caught up in. Who am I . . . "It's complicated"; how do I find the right person to love for the rest of my life . . . . . "It's complicated"; what is really broken inside of me . . . . . "It's complicated"; why am I so hurt and angry . . . . ."It's complicated";who is this God, this Jesus and what does that have to do with me. . . . .(sigh) "It's complicated".   How does someone go from feeling they are simple to being complicated in mere moments?   To be honest it is not that simple.  This wall of who I have become was constructed brick by brick by brick.  With each brick cemented in who I am or was or should be has been made secondary to the wall that dominates the landscape.  

When you walk into Fenway Park, it does not matter from what entrance you enter, the first thing you look for is left field and Green Monster.  Everything else seems minor compared to it.  For a moment you forget the history of the place, the excitement of the game, or even how green the grass is.  All you see is the big freakin wall.   

Yet walls have a very specific purpose.  Walls are made to either keep something out or to hold something within.  For instance my house walls are to keep myself safely tucked away for the elements, to keep the heat in (at this point), and to keep my possessions sheltered.  On the other hand a sea wall is to keep the ocean out and protect people for the raging seas.  Now if we look closer we see a common thread in any walls, they are to protect. 

But my walls are complicated.  I know that I have built these walls to protect my heart and soul, yet I despise them to the core of my being.  I have neatly cocoon myself behind these thick stallworths and found myself locked in a prison.  C.S. Lewis once wrote that there are only two places we are safe from the pain that accompanies love in the wake of love lost.  One is Heaven where love is complete and the other is Hell where love is absent.  Yet if we build these towers of protection in order to never be hurt or at least deflect most of it away, then we run into the inevitable possibility we may never see the hopes, dreams, and love of life come into our world.  And even worse this world may never see us, they will only see the wall.  So when some says "remember Travis", the only thing they will remember is the wall of how complicated I was, how hard it was to get pass them to see . . . me.    

I once heard a little girl say "Love is not complicated, we just make it that way."   That makes me think of all the people I could have loved and chose not to because it was complicated.  Or how the walls I have taylored to control my world have pushed people away because it is complicated.   So what happens when you think love is complicated.  Sometimes it makes you look for the BBD (bigger better deal), or the love you receive is never enough, and in some instances, even when you know you love someone . . . you think that person isn't what love is.  Or worst of all . . . . you give up.

Perhaps this day a little angel will spray paint "GO FORWARD" on my walls.  Because she knows the only way to go forward is to escape my comfortable prison in which I am secure in ignorance and to go be in the wild where love roams free.   I want climb out, break through, or tear down these walls and go forward. . . . and it is going to be hard to let so much go.  But in the end I don't live there anymore.  

Let love in!    

Go Forward

I couldn't face going into the church any further than the second to last row.  So I sat down in the old worn pew just inside the doors to the sanctuary.  Probably thousands of people sat in this same place as I was now over the hundred or so years since the "ancient" church was built.  And in those decades of existence, thousands had come to this place for the very same reason I had come . . . . to say good bye.  The atmosphere seems to carry the wait of all the sorrow from the past. And on this day maybe even the angels that dwelled around this building had tears falling despite the smiles in their hearts because they knew where she was now.  

I can't sit here and say that I had profound moments of grace or understanding of life/ death and God.  My eyes just locked on to the necklace that she had handed me three months earlier.  It was a simple chain with a stainless steel dogtag on it.  On the front was a Superman logo in red and yellow.  It was because of this logo that she picked out for me.  She called me Superman because no matter how bad I felt or how bad she felt from treatment I could always make her feel better and laugh and smile just be coming to visit.  (Maybe there is lesson there we can all learn about just showing up for people.)  I am sure she believed that I was invincible and maybe I am . . . to anything but heartbreak and life.   Yet as I stared at the pendant the only thing I could stare at were the two words below the logo.  "GO FORWARD"

It is a simple idea and reasonable sentiment . . . going forward that is.  There is not a single person in this world that would be agreeable to the concept of staying still, living in a rut, or going backwards in life.  Who really says that they never want anything to change and really expect it to stay the same.  Change is bound to come whether we want it or not much like the setting of the sun.  Yet I find myself there in that place of not going forward, hoping to one day awake to a past that never happened.   I know that day will never come so why do I stay in this place.  

I had the intentions of writing something profound but as I have typed out these words I am realizing that I have not idea of what to think.  I am not sure what to think of going forward.  What I have figured out is that I have a lot of questions that are coming to my mind.  When I first got diagnosed I swore that I would be more open and inviting to people to be there for me and I would be willing to let people love me . . . so why is it I have walk through this primarily alone and few people seem to care? Perhaps I am not as good and kind as I thought I was. . . perhaps I am too arrogant and proud to let myself be sick and cared for.  And why do I live by all these rules on how to be "a good person" when they stop me from loving people and letting myself be loved.   I mean seriously, love is not that complicated yet I seem to completely screw it up.   So how do I go forward and start being loving and lovable.  Maybe I need to stop trying to be perfect and righteous and start really loving people.  I am tired from being angry and frustrated.  I want to discover something new by loving first and following rules second  . . . now if I only knew how.  

"Frustrated and alone. You found me. You found me" - The Fray

Perhaps it is time to admit I need to be found by someone.

I am a slacker

Sorry everyone.  I feel like I have totally dropped the ball on keeping everyone updated on everything that is going on.  Some times I let myself get a little too busy and forget the simple thing like just blogging about me and the life I am in.  

This will be a quick update with a more lengthy blog later this weekend.  

I have been struggling lately with a lot of things emotionally, spiritually and physically.  In one of my earlier blogs I wrote about a little girl that I was spending time with at the hospital. Despite the treatments, the prayers,  and the hope of her one day being a mommy like he dreamed to be, she lost her battle with cancer.  This was and is a major blow to my hope and the stallworth faith that I have been leaning on.  After recent going to services for her memorial I have found myself sad and somewhat depressed about life and the things I need to do to move forward.  I am heartbroken over the loss of her.  I was her Superman, as she would say, and I could do nothing to help her.  If this is true, there are times I wonder if anyone can save me either.  

Though there are improvements with every doctors visit but I am finding that the pain is becoming more and I am not bouncing back from the fatigue as quickly.  That is leading to lethargy that I hate.   I try so hard to cover up the amount of pain and frustration I have inside of me right now.  I feel like the ocean right now.  At times the most peaceful place you could possibly be and at others I am like in the midst of a storm and power of it make the ocean's waves a scary place to be near.  My joy is hard to find despite the fact I try to smile as often as possible.   All of it is beginning to wear me down.  

But the light is coming and the pain will end.  It is just a matter of time.  I will write more soon.