Go Forward

I couldn't face going into the church any further than the second to last row.  So I sat down in the old worn pew just inside the doors to the sanctuary.  Probably thousands of people sat in this same place as I was now over the hundred or so years since the "ancient" church was built.  And in those decades of existence, thousands had come to this place for the very same reason I had come . . . . to say good bye.  The atmosphere seems to carry the wait of all the sorrow from the past. And on this day maybe even the angels that dwelled around this building had tears falling despite the smiles in their hearts because they knew where she was now.  

I can't sit here and say that I had profound moments of grace or understanding of life/ death and God.  My eyes just locked on to the necklace that she had handed me three months earlier.  It was a simple chain with a stainless steel dogtag on it.  On the front was a Superman logo in red and yellow.  It was because of this logo that she picked out for me.  She called me Superman because no matter how bad I felt or how bad she felt from treatment I could always make her feel better and laugh and smile just be coming to visit.  (Maybe there is lesson there we can all learn about just showing up for people.)  I am sure she believed that I was invincible and maybe I am . . . to anything but heartbreak and life.   Yet as I stared at the pendant the only thing I could stare at were the two words below the logo.  "GO FORWARD"

It is a simple idea and reasonable sentiment . . . going forward that is.  There is not a single person in this world that would be agreeable to the concept of staying still, living in a rut, or going backwards in life.  Who really says that they never want anything to change and really expect it to stay the same.  Change is bound to come whether we want it or not much like the setting of the sun.  Yet I find myself there in that place of not going forward, hoping to one day awake to a past that never happened.   I know that day will never come so why do I stay in this place.  

I had the intentions of writing something profound but as I have typed out these words I am realizing that I have not idea of what to think.  I am not sure what to think of going forward.  What I have figured out is that I have a lot of questions that are coming to my mind.  When I first got diagnosed I swore that I would be more open and inviting to people to be there for me and I would be willing to let people love me . . . so why is it I have walk through this primarily alone and few people seem to care? Perhaps I am not as good and kind as I thought I was. . . perhaps I am too arrogant and proud to let myself be sick and cared for.  And why do I live by all these rules on how to be "a good person" when they stop me from loving people and letting myself be loved.   I mean seriously, love is not that complicated yet I seem to completely screw it up.   So how do I go forward and start being loving and lovable.  Maybe I need to stop trying to be perfect and righteous and start really loving people.  I am tired from being angry and frustrated.  I want to discover something new by loving first and following rules second  . . . now if I only knew how.  

"Frustrated and alone. You found me. You found me" - The Fray

Perhaps it is time to admit I need to be found by someone.