Capacity for more

"Let me not be blind with privilege

Give me eyes to seek the pain

Let the blessing You've poured out on me

Not be spent on me in vain

Let this life be used for change."    I Will Go by Starfield 

Last Tuesday I sat in the John Stoddard Center and watched people come in out.  One thing people might not realize about me is that I am a anthropologist at heart, which is fancy way to say I enjoy people watching.  After about twenty minutes of sitting there I saw the elevator doors open and one my favorite new people was being wheeled toward the radiology dept.   Her face was beautiful despite it showed signs of fatigue and wear.  The purple and pink bandana was loosely tied atop her head in order to hide the evidence that her brown hair was no longer there.  Dressed in her Disney princess pajamas she looked just like any other 9 year old girl except for the fact that she had cancer in her brain.  

Madison has gone through two rounds of chemo and now was doing around of radiation.  As always her mother was right there with her.  I have yet to see or visit Madison without Beth being there.  

At age 29, Beth had taken a leave from her job to be with her only child as she had been in the hospital for a month.  Beth was quick to see me and leaned over to Madison's ear to whisper and point towards my direction.  As her little brown little eye connected with me, I gave her a wink.  

"Travis!! Are you here to get zapped too?  And guess what I get to go home soon!!!!  Maybe even for Christmas!!"  Her eyes grew larger and brighter with every sentence.  Inside I felt so excited for her and at the same time a bit of sadness.  

"I am so excited for you.  What are going to do when you go home?"

Madison smiled and just said one thing before going through the doors.  "I am probably not going to sick anymore and play a lot."  

After visiting with Madison and Beth a few time in the last few weeks (because usually our radiation treatments are schedule around the same time), I knew that her being in remission soon was not what was happening.   Instead she was having a break between treatments cycles and she would be home for two weeks after Thanksgiving.  Beth was trying to get their doctors to try to make it pass Christmas and we are all hoping that might happen still.   She has a long road still and my heart breaks for her.  

I am tired of standing on the side lines and watching things happen.  It is too much anymore. It is too much to be heartbroken for myself, too much to be sad about the things I have lost, too much to let myself let other's broken hearts not stir me.  I can't pretend that I don't have a great amount of frustration and pain but it is what I am not doing with all these feeling that is disturbing.   I am doing nothing . . . trying to survive is not enough.  

Like many people I often think that "giving" is contained in tithing to the church and giving my time in a ministry or something that I am interested in, like a political campaign.  I live in a beautiful, wealth community that does so little real charity work.  The type that actually feeds the poor or helps the sick.  The kind that reaches out to kids and families that could look at such compassion and it could be life changing.  

There is a capacity for more in me. . . . for more in the place.   

I am convicted by my apathy and the rut of life we can be in.  After some talks with a good friend we have decided that it is time to start doing something.  My hope is that many of you will partner up with us and even might volunteer to help this happen.  So what is it?  We are in the works of developing a fundraiser for either the Children's Cancer Foundation or Make a Wish Foundation.  Obviously more details will be coming  but my prayer is that this kind of charity work will impact our hearts and the their lives.  

Sitting by a tree

Some days the pains seems more than I can bare and the air is too heavy to breathe.  When I began this battle again I thought it would be a swift and easy fight, mostly because the doctors said all the radiation was "preventative" measures.  But the reality has sunk in that there is really nothing preventative about. Instead it is an active war of attrition that is fighting a very real foe that is not going to go without one last stand.   The cancer has not spread but it has gone away either. It is like the moment the world stands still.   But what is crushing me the most is it feels like it is stealing everything away from me, slowly.   Abilities, dreams, joy, and relationships all feel like they are slipping away because I am shell of my former self.  I feel isolated and alone, locked in battle that no one viably wants to witness.  

Truly who would wants to watch a man fight for his life and soul.  We want to see the victory parade, not the war.  Man would rather wait and see the outcome and not partake in the efforts. How many of us want conflict more than we want peace?  Or fight for someone that will give us little reward even if there is victory?   IF we are to fight along the side of someone we want to be  celebrated in the victory parade too, not to be just one that holds another up in a moment of true triumph.  This desire in humankind only happens because they refuse to see the battlefield and focus on the celebratory march.  We want to all be a part of something so audacious and gratifying to our hearts, never realizing that the victor's courage and bravery are found only in hope, belief, and prayers of the one's fighting with him to surmount the enemy.  No matter how great of a warrior a person is, a man that fights alone against great odds will almost never win. We need our allies, our hope, our bravery. Only once in history has man ever defeat such odds and even He could not escape the price of death.  

I am hurt and disappointed in the fact I have very few allies in my war. When I first revealed I had cancer I was bless by very kind responses and that gave incredible amounts of strength and courage but since then I have battled alone, except for one or two allies ( The 121 represents).  I go to church and watch people pray up worship teams and speakers; hear calls to devote a period of our lives to come together in prayer; and observe so many people "serving the church", yet here I lay.  I have friends that are super stud christians, youth pastors, worship leaders and pastors and how many of those have offered to pray for me while I am weaken on this battlefield I find myself on . . . none.  And easily I will admit I have not pleaded for any either.  I just go forward and pretend to be brave, as the world around me falls to pieces and fades to black, so everyone can continue on with their lives because I refuse to be a cause or hinderance.  But I am hurting and trying to make sense of it all . . .  am  I not worthy of an affinity, to be cared for.  Am I so broken and messed up that no one really cares?  Am I just not good enough to have anyone care to rally for me in my time of need?  

So last night I went to prayer at the church because I hoped maybe anything might happen.  I sat in a room of 15 men and sat there until I realized I had nothing left.  No words to pray, no thoughts, no idea what I wanted.   But there on the stage was a big cross and I felt like it was only place for me to go because the One who died on it was the only person to go to war alone and claim victory.  As the room was filled with music for worship and prayer I found my sitting on the floor next to the cross with my forehead leaning against.  The wood felt warm and alive as I rested against it.  It was in that moment, as a dozen men literally yelled out prayers, that I began to whisper to the cross.  My tears now stain it's wood and my breath and prayer are ingrained in it.  And all I could tell my savior is that I have nothing left. That I feel lost in the darkness.  All I could ask was where is He now?   I was merely sitting by a tree and losing myself.  I was sitting by a tree and begging for an ally, a friend,  a hope.     

I know that Jesus is in the darkness, battling my enemies and fighting to get to me.  He is my warrior savior . . . . so why isn't anyone I know a warrior follower?  I am hurt and frustrated, angry and tired.  But the truth is  . . .  where is the church? Why am I battling alone?  You can have your organization "the church", I don't want it anymore.  I just want allies who will fight along side Jesus for me.  And I promise you this one thing, I will be your ally in any battle of your lives.  But I am going to leave the organization of "the church" out of it.  I just want to fight for you because that is what Jesus is doing too.

Thoughts . . . .

It has been a little over a week since I wrote much so I thought that I could at least share a few of my thoughts on life, cancer, the election, and random stuff.  

Yesterday was another round of the dread radiation.  I find myself constantly joking about the hope that it might give me super powers.   In it is a lot of truth though.  The mind seems to make analogies for us like this, the whimsical ideas that lie in our true selves.  Do I actually have aspirations to gain superhuman qualities? No but yes!  A yearning exists, a desires grows that there is a possibility that something extraordinary could come from what appears tragic. It is not the power that is appealing, more so the optimism that anything genuinely amazing and good can happen in the face of tremendous sorrow.    The image of myself having astounding powers not only plays to my hope that  something great can happen in the midst of hardship but also enables my heart to hold on to the fact that I might be able to, in time, become the greatest version of myself.   That the making of who I am is not complete.  Much like a song that still needs the words written, my life is beautiful and full in the music but still needs to communicate it's purpose in words.    There is a greater version in all of use, a strive to the perfection we are intended to be, to be supermen.  So because of all this I wear a necklace with a Superman symbol on it and words, "Go Forward".  It is from the Christopher Reeves Foundation and is a great cause.  So support your supermen in your life and buy a necklace to wear to show you believe that we all can be great version of ourselves. 

www.wbshop.com/cat/Superman/Go-Forward-Dog-Tags

Now today is the day after.  Last night I was blown away by the amount of my friends that are die hard conservative and how parts their faith go out the window with politics.  Don't get my wrong I can care less about who anyone person voted yesterday.  Everyone is allows to voice their personal choice.  But last night after the election was won by President-elect Obama, I sat online and watched the status changes on Facebook.  It is amazing how good people vent horrible things sometimes.  There were countless, "Our country is screwed," comments.  But here are few others, "Hilter brought change too", "God obviously wants America to suffer because He let this happen",   or "Wow, you f*ckin' idiots put a n*gg*r in the White House. Hope he gets assassinated."    I was sad to see these thoughts come from people I have grown up with, call friends, and even go to church with.  

Now I know God can work through anyone he wishes. Brothers and Sisters, I am sorry you are disappointed in the election but I call to you ALL to stop the hate and pray for the president.  If you see him as an enemy then pray more for him then if he was your ally.  McCain lost this election because he put out a lot of fear, anger, and allowed his follower to exude hateful ideas and statements.  Be mad for a minute, be frustrated, even say you are concerned. . . .but stop the hate, whatever your reason might be stop it.  

I will tell you all why I voted for Barack Obama.  And yes many of you are disappointed but get over it.  I believe in Jesus with all of my heart and all that is within me.  I prayed many times over who I should vote for and there was never a single time that God told me who HIS candidate was.  Instead he gave me faith to follow my heart.  Am I sure that is what God said to you too if you prayed for guidance.  

Mr. Obama is a christian, maybe I don't agree with all of his personal beliefs but he believes in Jesus, our savior.  And in the end, after reading hundreds of articles, websites and watching dozen of debates and campaign rallies in all came down to something simple to me.  Which candidate reminded me of Jesus.  Don't freak out, just read the rest.  Jesus took care of the poor, healed the sick, brought peace to the people around him, united the people of God no matter their differing opinions (now the church has kind of screwed that up), and he instilled hope.  He was calm before all accusations by his enemies, gather in the people without exclusion, and was not held by conventional rules (legalism to old testament).  This is the Jesus I believe in.  John McCain does have several of these characteristics and many of the fruits of the spirit.  He is a good man that serves his country well.  John McCain would be a good president. Yet in the end my heart lies in social justice and the greater good of humanity and this country.   Barack Obama does have many of the qualities of Jesus. I know many people hate to hear that but it is true.  I am sure many will throw out the idea of false prophets or other things but he is OUR President now.  

What if he could unite use as people, what if this is the beginning to the end of racism and reverse rasicm, what if he can help make peace a reality, what if we can help the poor, what if we can give the sick a chance to be well.  What if it is worth it to have hope? IS this not what our God, our Savior, our Jesus asked for use to do when he left this world.  And if Barack Obama can't do these things then in 4 yrs we can vote for some else.  But if we always do what we always done, then we always get what we have always gotten. 

I don't write this to start debate but more to give perspective.  The election is over but how we as believer support the president will change our country and our lives.  

Also I have a few other thoughts:

I was totally bummed my Red Sox did not make the World Series but the Phillies winning was sweet. 

I am totally stoked to go see Starfield in Des Moines on Friday . . . seriously anyone want to go with.  Would love to hang out some peeps.  If you have never heard of Starfield, you should get a little off itunes.  

Both Pella and Pella Christian are tearing it up.  Both football teams are still rolling (the main reason none of my friends want to go to Starfield, games are friday too).  

I love the smell of drier sheets. . . it's true

And finally . . . we are two months away from new episodes of LOST.  YEAH!!!